But the old bachelor had all the ways Of one grown fidgety in solitude; And he at once in matters not his own Began unseemly and untimely to intrude.
What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours with rain, the other roars with pain!
When will water stop running down hill? Why, when it gets to the bottom.
Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the more they are with them!
If a dirty sick man be ordered to wash to get well, why is it like four letters of the alphabet? Because it's soapy cure (it's o-p-q-r)!
What sort of a medical man is a horse that never tumbles down like? An 'ack who's sure (accoucheur)!
My father was a slippery lad, and died 'fore I was born, My ancestors lived centuries before I gained my form. I always lived by sucking, I ne'er ate any bread, I wasn't good for anything till after I was dead. They bang'd and they whang'd me, they turned me outside in, They threw away my body, saved nothing but my skin. When I grew old and crazy--was quite worn out and thin, They tore me all to pieces, and made me up again. And then I traveled up and down the country for a teacher, To some of those who saw me, I was good as any preacher.
Why is a jeweler like a screeching florid singer? Because he pierces the ears for the sake of ornament!
What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and broken? Pieces!
Why is an old man's head like a song "executed" (murdered) by an indifferent singer? Because it's often terribly bawled (bald)!
What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing-room after dinner? A different one.
Why is a school-mistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses into classes.
If an egg were found on a music-stool, what poem of Sir Walter Scott's would it remind you of? The Lay of the Last Minstrel.
Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you would be making game of him!
John Smith, Esq., went out shooting, and took his interestingly sagacious pointer with him; this noble quadrupedal, and occasionally graminiverous specimen, went not before, went not behind, nor on one side of him; then where did the horrid brute go? Why, on the other side of him, of course.
My _first_, a messenger of gladness; My _last_, an instrument of sadness; My _whole_ looked down upon my last and smiled-- Upon a wretch disconsolate and wild. But when my _whole_ looked down and smiled no more, That wretch's frenzy and his pain were o'er.