Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he is always on the strike for wages.
What is the difference between photography and the whooping-cough? One makes fac similes, the other sick families.
Why is a wide-awake hat so called? Because it never had a nap, and never wants any.
What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One has feeling, the other is felt.
One of the most "wide-awake" people we ever heard of was a "one-eyed beggar," who bet a friend he could see more with his one eye than the friend could see with two. How was this? Because he saw his friend's two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses.
Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it's seldom seen after Lent.
Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes (close) of the week.
Why is a washerwoman the most cruel person in the world? Because she daily wrings men's bosoms.
Why are laundresses no better than idiots? Because they try to catch soft water when it rains hard.
Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.
I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it; But those who are in, entirely are out of it.
When is a man more than one man? When he's one beside himself.
What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of body.
What is the difference between the punctual arrival of a train and a collision? One is quite an accident, the other isn't!
Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not even passable.
How many people does a termagant of a wife make herself and worser half amount to? Ten: herself, 1; husband, 0--total, 10.
What is the superlative of temper? Tempest?
What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if they could only speak? You see by us (Eusebius)!
Why is a wax candle like Mr. Dickens'--the immortal Dickens'--last book? Because it's a cereal (serial) work.
If you suddenly saw a house on fire, what three celebrated authors would you feel at once disposed to name? Dickens--Howitt--Burns.
When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden ("Enoch Arden")!
What question of three words may be asked Tennyson concerning a brother poet, the said question consisting of the names of three poets only? Watt's Tupper's Wordsworth (what's Tupper's words worth)?