Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parafins (pair o' fins).
When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is put out before it has time to flare up and blaze away.
Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it becomes.
Why is the blessed state of matrimony like an invested city? Because when out of it we wish to be in it, and when in it we wish to be out of it.
Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other goes.
When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) across the woods--and plains.
We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like? An ax with a dull edge, because it must be ground before it can be used.
When is a carpenter like a circumstance? When he alters cases.
How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile.
Tell us why it is vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use of flash language.
Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every post.
What is the difference between a correspondent and a co-respondent? One is a man who does write, and the other a man who does wrong.
O tell us what kind of servants are best for hotels? The Inn-experienced.
Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for cups, and plates, and steaks (stakes).
What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one.
Why are sugar-plums like race-horses? Because the more you lick them the faster they go.
What extraordinary kind of meat is to be bought in the Isle of Wight? Mutton from Cowes.
Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on his stomach.
What wine is both food and drink? Port wine with a crust.
When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance of being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it.
When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds it.
When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when fold-ed.
Why are circus-horses such slow goers? Because they are taught-'orses (tortoises).
Why is a railroad-car like a bed-bug? Because it runs on sleepers.
Why is it impossible for a man to boil his father thoroughly. Because he can only be par-boiled.