A divine in drawing the attention of his congregation to a special communion service on the following Sunday informed them that “the Lord is with us in the forenoon and the Bishop in the evening.”
A Scotch minister innocently, perhaps, hit the mark by telling his people, “Weel, friends, the kirk is urgently in need of siller, and as we have failed to get money honestly we will have to see what a bazar can do for us.”
There is a certain amount of excuse to be made for the young curate who, remarking that some people came to church for no better reason than to show off their best clothes, finished up as he glanced over his audience, “I am thankful to see, dear friends, that none of you has come here for that reason.”
A negro student when conducting the prayers at one of the great missionary colleges, said, “Give us all pure hearts, give us all clean hearts, give us all sweet hearts,” to which the entire congregation made response, “Amen.”
The giving-out of church notices has often proved a pitfall for the unwary. “During Lent,” said a rector lately, “several preachers will preach on Wednesday evenings, but I need not give their names, as they will be all found hanging up in the porch.”
A stranger in New York asked a newsboy to direct him to a certain bank, promising him half a dollar for it. The boy took him about three doors away and there was the bank. Paying the fee, the man said, “That was half a dollar easily earned, son.”
“Sure,” said the boy, “but youse mustn’t fergit that bank directors is paid high in Noo Yawk.”
A darky preacher was lost in the happy selection of his text, which he repeated in vigorous accents of pleading.
“Oh, bredern, at de las’ day dere’s gwine to be sheep and dere’s gwine to be goats. Who’s gwine to be de sheep, an’ who’s gwine to be de goats? Let’s all try to be like de li’l white lambs, bredern. Shall we be de goats, sisters? Naw, we’s gwine to be de sheep. Who’s gwine to be de sheep, bredern, an’ who’s gwine to be de goats? Tak’ care ob youh souls, sisters; tak’ care ob youh souls. Remember, dere’s gwine to be goats an’ sheep. Who’s gwine to be de sheep an’ who’s gwine to be de goats?”
Just then a solitary Irishman who had been sitting in the back of the church, listening attentively, rose and said:
