She thought he was telling her that he cared nothing for her. She did not blame him, yet there was a tiny streak of pride that said, "At least Philip finds me worth while."
"It is simply my own salvation that is involved," Lawrence went on.
"Well, I hope you find it," she said simply.
"You might find it, as you once said, in creative work."
"No, that isn't a salvation. I must have a platform from which to work. Don't you see that, Claire?"
"Pardon me, I didn't intend to force this upon you."
"That isn't what I mean, Lawrence." Her eyes were moist. "What I meant was that you live above me entirely."
"Nonsense," he said wrathfully. "You talk like a silly girl, Claire."
"Do I? Well, I am perhaps less worth while than you think."
"Oh, I guess not," he returned carelessly.
"I know you are worth all that I think you are," he continued. "But I am afraid that just now I am too interested in my own salvation to think of you at all correctly."
She was thinking of Philip as he had comforted her that morning, and his tenderness, compared to this cold statement from Lawrence, seemed attractive beyond measure. She admitted that all hope of Lawrence's loving her was dead, and she said to herself: "It is what I wanted. I can go back to my husband." But she did not want to go back to Howard. She received this discovery calmly. She would never go back. But why shouldn't she? She could not tell for certain. She thought it was because she had found herself unworthy, but deep within her was the knowledge that she no longer loved him. It would be useless to go back to him in any event. He could never be the same to her after hearing of her long months with this blind man in the wilderness.
What months they had been! She thought them over, day by day, and she saw what might have been a great joy sink, after a glimpse, into utter darkness. Before her she saw the endless gray years beside Philip. Yes, she would stay with him. At least he loved her, and she could help him. If she did not love him, what of it? She would be an able wife to him. She could keep him from ever knowing that her heart was away with Lawrence, who would be back in the world at home and have forgotten her.
"Claire!" Lawrence was speaking. "We have certainly reaped a strange harvest from our months of sowing in the wilderness."