"DIDN'T I SEND 'IM TO HETON AN' HOXFORD? DIDN'T I SEND 'IM INTO THE HARMY, ALONG O' SOME O' THE BIGGEST NOBS IN ALL HENGLAND, WITH AN ALLOWANCE FIT FOR A YOUNG HEARL? AND WHAT'S THE HUPSHOT OF IT ALL? WHY, HE GIVES DINNERS TO DOOKS AND ROYAL 'IGHNESSES, AN' DON'T EVEN HARSK 'IS PORE OLD FATHER TO MEET 'EM. 'IGHNESSES, INDEED! I COULD BUY UP THE 'OLE BLESSED LOT! AND, _WHAT'S MORE, I WOULDN'T MIND TELLIN' 'EM SO TO THEIR FACES, FOR TWO PINS!--AH! JUST AS SOON AS LOOK AT 'EM--AND 'E KNOWS IT!_"]
Goosey, Goose, Uganda, With whom will you wander, With the English, with the French? Or with King MWANGA?
ADVICE GRATIS (_by a Bill Poster_).--"Invest all your savings in hoardings."
(_AN EXTRACT FROM MR. PUNCH'S PURELY IMAGINARY CONVERSATIONS._)
SCENE--_Interior of a Palace._ Emperor _and_ Empress _discovered discussing the former's tour in foreign parts._
_Emperor_ (_finishing a good story_). So after I had made a hearty meal off the bread-and-milk, I gave the old woman a note for five thousand thalers, and told her to buy a three-sous portrait of myself so that she might see the Sovereign that she had saved from starvation. Ha! ha! ha! Wasn't it amusing?
_Empress_ (_smiling_). Very, dear; but wasn't it a little expensive? Surely you could have got the bread-and-milk for a smaller sum?
_Emperor._ Of course I could! But then, don't you see, it made me popular. It's in all the papers, and reads splendidly!
_Empress._ Yes, of course, dear. By the way, I found this volume (_producing book bound in velvet with real gold clasps_) in your overcoat. May I peep into it?
_Emperor_ (_doubtfully_). I don't think you will find it particularly interesting. I have just jotted down my petty cash disbursements.
_Empress_ (_opening book and glancing at contents_). Dear me! Why the total amounts to £15,000! I see it's put in English money.
_Emperor._ Yes, it saves trouble. When I am travelling I get rather confused with all coinage save that of Mother's Fatherland.
_Empress._ But surely £15,000 is a lot to expend upon extras?
_Emperor._ Depends on the view you take of things. I had a lot of things to buy.
_Empress._ But surely _this_ must be wrong? Shoeblack fifty guineas!
_Emperor_ (_lightly_). No, I think that's all right. You see, the fellow, after he had cleaned my boots, suddenly recognised me, called me Sire, and sang the "_Wacht am Rhein_." I couldn't, after that, give him less.