"LOST, large retriever dog, flat-coated; when pleased or expectant he grins, showing all his teeth; information leading to his recovery will be rewarded."--_Glasgow Herald_.
It is supposed that he has been studying the portraits of "Variety" ladies in the illustrated papers.
"He must, said Mr. Thomas, urge men to recognise that, in the present state of the country, it was imperative that soppages should be avoided."--_Liverpool Paper_.
Excellent advice; but in the present state of the country, unless one wears waders, extremely difficult to follow.
"WANTED.--A suitable match for a well-connected and refined Suri widower of 37; healthy and of good moral character; monthly income about 500 rupees. Possesses property. Late wife died last week."--_Indian Paper_.
It is a sign of the truly moral character to be definitely off with the old love before you are on with the new.
"The five main points in the Prime Minister's programme are: (1) Punch the ex-Kaiser."--_Sunday Times_ (_Johannesburg_).
The other four don't matter, but we wish to take the earliest opportunity of denying this totally unfounded suggestion. Mr. Punch is not the ex-Kaiser, and never was.
[Illustration: _Late Superintendent of Munition Canteen_ (_in dairy where she has dealt for over three years_). "AND YOU WON'T FORGET THE CREAM AS USUAL."
_Dairy Girl_. "SORRY, MADAM. I REGRET YOU CANNOT HAVE ANY MORE CREAM, AS YOU HAVE CEASED TO BE OF NATIONAL IMPORTANCE."]
Maisie was terribly upset when she lost her gold curb bangle (with padlock attached) between the hospital and the canteen. The first I knew of it was seeing a handbill offering two pounds' reward on our front gate, with the ink still damp, when I came home to lunch. There was a similar bill blowing down the road. My wife had some more under her arm and she pressed them on me. "Run round to the shops," she said; "get them put right in the middle of the windows where they'll catch everybody's eye."
The first shop I entered was a hosier's. Since drilling in the V.T.O. I have acquired rather a distinguished bearing. Shopkeepers invariably treat me with attention. The hosier hurried forward, obviously anticipating a princely order for tweeds at war prices. I hadn't the courage to buy nothing. I selected the nearest thing on the counter, a futurist necktie at two-and-six-three, and, as I was leaving the shop, turned back carelessly. "By the by, would you mind putting this bill in your window?" I said.
