I was hungry, and the crockery was soon empty.
Seein' a platter of ice cream down the table aways, I got up onto my feet, and havin' a good long arm, reached for it.
It was awful cold, and sot my stumps to achin'.
I got one holler tooth full of the stuff.
"I've got my tooth full of that cold puddin'," said I, pintin' to the dish; "please bring me an individual toothpick, so I can dig it out." He vanished. I coulden't wait, so I undertook to dig it out with my fork.
A man opposite me, who thot heed play smart, sent word to the tavern-keeper that I was swollerin' his forks.
Up comes the tavern-keeper, and ketchin' holt of my cote coller, shaked me out in the middle of the dinin'-room floor.
"Old man," says he, "them forks cost $9.00 a dozen. How many have you swallered?"
"Not a gol darned fork," hollered I as loud as I could screem. Gittin' onto my feet, I pulled off my cote and vest, and if I didn't make the fur fly, and give that 'ere tavern-keeper the nisest little polishin' off mortal man ever become acquainted with, then I don't understand the roodiments of the English prize ring.
At Central Park, that hily cultivated forrest, the sharpers tried to chissel me.
Just as I approched the gate which leads into the Park, a fansy lookin' feller with short hair and plad briches stopt me and says: "Unkle, you'r fair."
"You're a man of excellent judgment," I replide; "I think I am pooty good lookin' for a man of my years."
"You don't undertand me, sir," he agin said. "Come down with your stamps."
"My which?" said I, turnin' a little red in the face.
"Your gate money," he replied, tryin' to shove me back. "We charge $1.00 for goin' in here."
"You do, do you?" said I, wavin' my umbreller over his head threatenin' manner. "When our goverment resooms speshie payment agin maybe I'le send you a silver dollar with a hole into it, and maybe I won't; it will depend a good deal on the pertater crop."
I was very much agitated. Pullin' out my silver watch I says: "My sweet sented Plumbob, if you don't histe your butes away from that gate in 2 seconds I'le bust your biler with this 'ere bunch of bones," and I tickled the end of his probocis with my fist, as I gently rubbed it under his smeller.
He saw heed caught a Tarter, in fact, a regular Tarter emetic, and he slunk away rather sudden.