There was a man in our town who said that he would share His profits with his laborers, for that was only fair, And people said: "Oh, isn't he the shrewd and foxy gent? It cost him next to nothing for that free advertisement."
There was a man in our town who had the perfect plan To do away with poverty and other ills of man, But he feared the public jeering, and the folks who would defame him, So he never told the plan he had, and I can hardly blame him.
Humble, surely, mine ambition; It is merely to construct Some occasion or condition When I may say "usufruct."
Earnest am I and assiduous; Yet I'm certain that I shan't amount To a lot till I use "viduous," "Indiscerptible," and "tantamount."
"Gentle Jane was as good as gold," To borrow a line from Mr. Gilbert; She hated War with a hate untold, She was a pacifistic filbert. If you said "Perhaps"--she'd leave the hall. You couldn't argue with her at all.
"Teasing Tom was a very bad boy," (Pardon my love for a good quotation). To talk of war was his only joy, And his single purpose was Preparation.
And what both of these children had to say I never knew, for I ran away.
'Twas on the shores that round our coast From Deal to Newport lie That I roused from sleep in a huddled heap An elderly wealthy guy.
His hair was graying, his hair was long, And graying and long was he; And I heard this grouch on the shore avouch, In a singular jazzless key:
"Oh, I am a cook and a waitress trim And the maid of the second floor, And a strong chauffeur and a housekeep_er_. And the man who tends the door!"
And he shook his fists and he tore his hair, And he started to frisk and play, Till I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, So I said (in the Gilbert way):
"Oh, elderly man, I don't know much Of the ways of societee, But I'll eat my friend if I comprehend However you can be
"At once a cook and a waitress trim And the maid of the second floor, And a strong chauffeur and a housekeep_er_, And the man who tends the door."
Then he smooths his hair with a nervous air, And a gulp in his throat he swallows, And that elderly guy he then lets fly Substantially as follows:
"We had a house down Newport way, And we led a simple life; There was only I," said the elderly guy, "And my daughter and my wife.