"I ain't doin' nothin', mum," replied Norah; "it's done."
A big Irishman, while carrying a ladder through a crowded street had the misfortune to break a plate-glass window in a store. He immediately dropped his ladder and broke into a run, but he had been seen by the shopkeeper, who dashed after him in company with several salesmen, and was soon caught.
"Here you big loafer!" shouted the angry shopkeeper, when he had regained his breath. "You have broken my window!"
"I sure have," admitted the Celt, "and didn't you see me running home to get the money to pay for it?"
There was a man who fancied that by driving good and fast He'd get his car across the track before the train came past; He'd miss the engine by an inch, and make the train-hands sore. There was a man who fancied this; there isn't any more.
In one of the industrial towns in South Wales a workman met with a serious accident. The doctor was sent for, and came and examined him, had him bandaged and carried home on a stretcher, seemingly unconscious.
After he was put to bed the doctor told his wife to give him sixpennyworth of brandy when he came to himself. After the doctor had left the wife told the daughter to run and fetch threepennyworth of brandy for her father.
The old chap opened his eyes and said, in a loud voice: "Sixpenn'orth, the doctor said."
An editor had a notice stuck up above his desk on which was printed: "Accuracy! Accuracy! Accuracy!" and this notice he always pointed out to the new reporters.
One day the youngest member of the staff came in with his report of a public meeting. The editor read it through and came to the sentence: "Three thousand nine hundred ninety-nine eyes were fixed upon the speaker."
"What do you mean by making a silly blunder like that?" he demanded, wrathfully.
"But it's not a blunder," protested the youngster. "There was a one-eyed man in the audience!"
FIRST ACTRESS (behind the scenes)--"Did you hear the way the public wept during my death scene?"
SECOND ACTRESS--"Yes, it must have been because they realized that it was only acted!"
"These love scenes are rotten. Can't the leading man act as if he were in love with the star?"
"Can't act at all," said the director. "Trouble is, he is in love with her."