Figgered he’d git lots of work an’ only feed her slim;
Wife, though, wopsed it t’other way an’ got the laugh on him!
I reckin that a madder man was skercely ever seen,
Soon’s she fairly placed her feet, she called the doctors in,
An’ they commenced to work on her an’ tap old Green for tin.
He swore an’ howled, but she was boss--she run the whole concern--
She said she’d morgidge all he owned to cure that throat of her’n.
The high-priced doctors far an’ near come hustlin’ to the place,
An’ fubbed an’ fussed an’ then discussed that reely puzzlin’ case.
An’ each performed his little stunt with all his skill an’ will,
An’ said that time would do the rest--an’ then put in his bill.
Wal, Land o’ Goshen, Sam took on as though they drawed his blood.
He’d hitch and hunch his wallet out as though ’twas stuck in mud.
Their nuss was quite a hand to tog; she used to say to us
She wished that corsets laced as tight’s the straps on that old puss.
Mis’ Green at last got down reel slim; one night--so nuss, she said,
Old Sam come creepin’, creakin’ in; set down ‘longside the bed.
He stooped an’ poked around a spell, picked up Lucindy’s shoe,
An’ then--wal, nuss she vums an’ vows this ’ere is honest true:
He routed’round the fireplace an’ got a cinder- coal,
An’ went to figgerin’ up expense, right there on ’Cindy’s sole.
He talked the items right out loud, but ’Cindy didn’t kick
So long’s he only reckoned things she’d had while she was sick.
But when he got to projickin’’bout what ’twould prob’ly cost
To bury her in decent shape, he sort o’ up an’ crossed
The “mean-man” line, the “tarnal mean” an’ even “gaul-durned mean”--
He formed a brand-new class himself; jest him alone, Sam Green,
Signifies the meanest man that ever ye have seen.
Die? What! ’Cindy up an’ die? You bet she didn’t die!
Got so mad to hear him talk she flew right up sky-high.
Hopped like sixty out o’bed, as hearty’s Paddy’s goat,
An’ that ’ere kink--whatever’twas--it came right out her throat.
An’ talk? She hadn’t talked for years, but soon’s she got her breath,
I swan to man, I reely b’lieve she talked old Green to death.
For ’fore she’d trod around enough to wear the coal marks out,
Old Sam curled up an’ passed away. Some said there wa’n’t much doubt