SIR,--The real way of dealing with the Lords is as follows. The next time that they want to meet, cut off their gas and water! Tell the butcher and baker _not_ to call at the House for orders, and dismiss the charwomen who dust their bloated benches. If _this_ doesn't bring them to reason, nothing will.
["A Mother of Boys," angry with Mr. JAMES PAYN for his dealings with "that barbarous race," suggests that as an _amende honorable_ he should write a book in praise of boys.]
In praise of boys? In praise of boys? Who mess the house, and make a noise, And break the peace, and smash their toys, And dissipate domestic joys, Do everything that most annoys, The BOBS and BILLYS, RALPHS and ROYS?-- Just as well praise a hurricane, The buzzing fly on the window-pane, An earthquake or a rooting pig! No, young or old, or small or big, A boy's a pest, a plague, a scourge, A dread domestic demiurge Who brings the home to chaos' verge. The _only_ reason I can see For praising him is--well, that he, As WORDSWORTH--so his dictum ran-- Declared, is "father to the man." And even then the better plan Would be that he, calm, sober, sage, Were--_born at true paternal age_! Did all boys start at twenty-five I were the happiest "Boy" alive!
_He._ "WHAT A SHAME IT IS THAT MEN MAY ASK WOMEN TO MARRY THEM, AND WOMEN MAYN'T ASK MEN!"
_She._ "OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, I SUPPOSE THEY CAN ALWAYS GIVE A SORT OF _HINT_!"
_She._ "WELL--THEY CAN ALWAYS SAY, 'OH, I DO _LOVE_ YOU SO!'"]
I rather like that Car, Sir, 'Tis easy for a ride. But gold galore May mean strife and gore. If 'tis stained with greed and pride. Though its comforts are delightful, And its cushions made with taste, There's a spectre sits beside me That I'd gladly fly in haste-- As I ride in the Pullman Car; And echoes of wrath and war, And of Labour's mad cheers, Seem to sound in my ears As I ride in the Pullman Car!
QUEER QUERIES.--"SCIENCE FALSELY SO CALLED."--What is this talk at the British Association about a "new gas"? Isn't the old good enough? My connection--as a shareholder--with one of our leading gas companies, enables me to state authoritatively that no new gas is required by the public. I am surprised that a nobleman like Lord RAYLEIGH should even attempt to make such a thoroughly useless, and, indeed, revolutionary discovery. It is enough to turn anyone into a democrat at once. And what was Lord SALISBURY, as a Conservative, doing, in allowing such a subject to be mooted at Oxford? Why did he not at once turn the new gas off at the meter?