415. A young man, who was a very great talker, making a bargain with Isocrates to be taught by him, Isocrates asked double the price that his other scholars gave him; and the reason, said he, is, that I must teach thee two sciences, one to speak, and the other to hold thy tongue.
416. A certain couple going to Dunmow in Essex, to claim the flitch of bacon, which is to be given to every married pair, who can swear they had no dispute, nor once repented their bargain in a year and a day, the steward ready to deliver it, asked where they would put it; the husband produced a bag, and told him, in that. That, answered the steward, is not big enough to hold it. So I told my wife, replied the good man; and I believe we have had a hundred words about it. Ay, said the steward, but they were not such as will butter any cabbage to eat with this bacon; and so hung the flitch up again.
417. Two gentlemen, one named Chambers, the other Garret, riding by Tyburn, said the first, This is a very pretty tenement, if it had but a Garret. You fool, said Garret, don’t you know there must be Chambers first?
418. Two gentlemen, one named Woodcock, the other Fuller, walking together, happened to see an owl; said the last, That bird is very much like a Woodcock. You are very wrong, said the first, for it’s Fuller in the head, Fuller in the eyes, and Fuller all over.
419. An arch boy having taken notice of his schoolmaster’s often reading a chapter in Corinthians, wherein is this sentence, ‘We shall all be changed in the twinkling of an eye,’ privately erased the letter c in the word changed. The next time the master read it, we shall all be hanged in the twinkling of an eye.
420. A certain great man, who had been a furious party man, and most surprisingly changed sides, by which he obtained a coronet, was soon after at cards at a place where Lady T―nd was, and complaining in the midst of the game, that he had a great pain in his side, I thought your lordship had no side, said she.
421. A gentleman living in Jamaica, not long ago, had a wife not of the most agreeable humour in the world; however, as an indulgent husband, he had bought her a fine pad, which soon after gave her a fall that broke her neck. Another gentleman in the same neighbourhood, blessed likewise with a termagant spouse, asked the widower, if he would sell his wife’s pad, for he had a great fancy for it, and he would give him what he would for it. No, said the other, I don’t care to sell it, for I am not sure that I shan’t marry again.