A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler, who had just died in the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens “What was to be seen?” “Oh!” replied he, “only a cobbler’s end.”
An illustrious person told Mr. D----, of C----, that he had drunk two bottles of champagne and six of port. “That,” said Mr. D----, “is more than I can _swallow_;” and if the wit was relished, it was never forgiven.
A player performing the Ghost in Hamlet very badly, was hissed; after bearing it a good while, he put the audience in good humour by stepping forward and saying, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am extremely sorry that my humble endeavours to please are unsuccessful; but if you are not satisfied, I must _give up the Ghost_.”
A gentleman just married telling Foote he had that morning laid out three thousand pounds in jewels for his _dear wife_. “She is truly your _dear_ wife,” replied the wit.
A gentleman passing the evening among some friends in the city, was requested, in his turn, to favour the company with a song; he politely declined it, alleging that he was so indifferent a performer, that any attempt of his would rather disgust than entertain. One of the company, however, asserted that he had a very good voice, and said, he had frequently had the pleasure of hearing him sing. “That may be,” resumed the other, “but as I am not a freeman, I have no voice in the city.”
As Lady B---- L---- was presiding one evening at the tea-table, one of her ruffles caught the flame of the tea-lamp, and was burned before it could be extinguished. Lord M----, who was of the party, and thought to be witty on the accident, remarked, “He did not think her ladyship so apt _to take fire._” “Nor am I, my lord,” replied she with great readiness, “from _such sparks_ as you.”
At the battle of Dettingen, as Lord Townsend, then a young man, was marching down pretty close to the enemy, he was observed to be so very thoughtful (as is usual with most officers on their first battle) as to take no notice of a drummer’s head that was shot off just before him, though he received some of the brains on his coat. A veteran officer observing this, went up to him, and endeavoured to rouse him, by telling him the best way in these cases was not to think at all. “Oh! dear sir,” says the other, with great presence mind, “you entirely mistake my reverie; I have been only thinking what the devil could bring this little drummer here, who seemed to possess such a _quantity of brains_.”