[Illustration: “WHAT IN THE CAPTAIN’S BUT A CHOLERIC WORD”
_The Laird (to his Gardener, who had caught somebody trespassing)._ “Hum! And you say, Saunders, that the fellow was impudent?”
_Gardener._ “‘Impident!’ ’Deed, sir, if he had been the Laird himsell he could na hae been mair ill-bred!”]
[Illustration: _MacNab (whose wife has met with a slight accident on the railway, to Railway Agent, who has called to offer condolence, and produces one or two pounds by way of solatium)._ “Na, na, if she dees it will likely be twa or three hunders!”]
_Southern Tourist (in Edinburgh)._ “Can you direct me to the Royal Institution?”
_Tourist (giving a Clue)._ “Pictures, you know--Statues--and----”
_Native (after much thought)._ “Oo!--et’s the Stukky Feggars ye mean!”--(_Pointing._)--“Yon’s et!”]
_Fair Client._ “I’m always photographed from the same side, but I forget which!”
_Scots Photographer (reflectively)._ “Well, it’ll no be _this_ side, I’m thinkin’. Maybe it’s t’ither!”]
_Porter._ “Train’s awa, man. Ye should hae ran faster.”
_Passenger._ “Ran faster! Dod, I ran fast eneugh, but I should hae startit sooner.”]
_Perplexed Old Lady (at Scottish Junction in a fog)._ “Ah hae ma bundle--an’ ah hae ma teeck’t--but fa’s the Deeside Rel-ro’d!!”]
[Illustration: _Excited Scotsman (who has just hooked a fish)._ “I’m dashed feared I’ll loose my half-crown flee!”]
[Illustration: “WHEN GREEK MEETS GREEK.” SCENE--_District Court in a Colony_
_Scots Judge (with a very marked pug-nose)._ “Weel, noo, sir, if ye gae along the ro’d in question, where’ll ye gang tae?”
_Scots Witness (deliberately)._ “That a’ depends, yer honour, on how far ye gae!”
_Judge (snappishly)._ “Ye understan’ vera weel, sir. If ye follow yer nose, mun, where’ll ye gang till?”
_Witness (after a pause)._ “Ah’ve always heer-ed it said, yer honour, that if ye follow yer nose too far, it’ll tak’ ye t’ the moon!”
_Judge._ “Step doon, sir!”--(_In an angry aside_).--“The mon’s a fool!”]
[Illustration: _Traveller (to Colonial Squatter)._ “Hullo, McDonald! I didn’t expect this of you! All your men working on a Sunday!”
_Mac._ “This is nae Sunday, mun!--it’s Wednesday----”
_Traveller._ “Not a bit of it! This is Sunday, I assure you----”
_Mac._ “Aweel! Think o’ that, noo! We hinna seen a sowl for three months, an’ there’s nae an almanack i’ the hoose, an’ we’ve gotten jummelt up a’ th’gether!!”]