The manner whereof was thus: About to pay my Reckoning, my Groat got into a piece of paper; I fumbled a great while in my pocket, but found it not, which put me even to my wits ends. At last drawing out some papers, and shaking them my Groat dropt; perceiving its fall might be dangerous, there being many holes in the Floor, I catcht after it; notwithstanding it fell upon the very brink of an hole; what with hast to recover it, and the fright the danger put me into, I discharged my self of every bit I had eaten. There was no body could say, I had fouled my Breeches, or that I stunk; which I made appear to my Landlady by showing her what I had evacuated, but little differing from what I had eaten a quarter of an hour before. The good old woman perswaded me strongly to eat it again; for, said she, it cannot be much the worse for just passing through you, and I will fry it if you please. I thought I should now have dyed with laughter at her strange proposition; but the woman star’d upon me, not knowing whether I grin’d or laught. Well, well, said she at last, if you will not eat such good victuals, some body else shall. I offer’d her my Groat, which she refus’d, telling me there was as much more to pay; I told her that was all the moneys I had about me, and that I would pay her the rest the next day.
_But she for her part thought it was unjust, To listen to the arguments of trust._
And therefore told me plainly she would have her Reckoning. I bid her stay a while: then as soon as she had turned her back I attempted to march off, but my strength failing me, I wanted swiftness, and so was brought back. I made her acquainted with my condition how miserable it was; I needed not many arguments to persuade any into that belief, for my person was the true Embleme of misery. She gave a serious attention to what I exprest, and at last melted into tears, commiserating my misfortunes; she caus’d instantly a bed to be warm’d, where being laid, she ordered a Cawdle to be made, & in fine shew’d a world of kindness to me, not imagining what she aimed at. She would not let me stir out of my Bed but whilst it was making, for above a week; at the conclusion of which I began to recover a little colour in my cheeks, & grew indifferent strong; she gave me moneys in my Pocket, & told me I must walk into the fields with her. I blest my self, and that Angel that directed my feet to the finding that lost groat which was the occasion of my restitution to a condition of living again. By this time I imagined what my old Gentlewoman expected: wherefore, in the first place I acknowledged how much I was obliged to her matchless civilities, and that it was impossible for me to return her answerable satisfaction. Rowling her pretty Piggs-eyes to and fro in her head, I require (said she) nothing but your Love. If it must needs be so (thought I) there is no way better then to let fancy form her beautiful, and so by the force of imagination I shall injoy as much pleasure as if lying with _Venus_, though in Conjunction with this _Succubus_. We us’d not many ceremonies, (like puling-whining Lovers that are always saying Grace, but never fall to) but taking the convenience of a Ditch underneath a bushy-topt hedge we conferred notes. Had any seen us in this posture, they would have concluded old Winter metamorphosed into an old Woman lying in a Dike, and that _Flora_ was converted into a young man, and both in an unnatural Conjunction. Or that youthful _Phœbus_ had contracted his rays to court a lump of Ice, but with shame was forced to desist, finding his powerful endeavours ineffectual in the production of a thaw. Whenever I wanted a small sum, a kiss or two, or the saying I loved her, extracted so much as supplied my present occasions; if I wanted a sum considerable, why then a quarter of an hours discourse in private effected my desires. Most that knew me wondred what politick stratagems I us’d that I so suddenly wound my self out of that Labyrinth of all sorts of miseries, & that I appeared both in feature and garb so excentrick to my former condition. I had as many pretences to blind the world as there were various suspitions of pragmatick persons. In short, I was now very well apparell’d, well furnisht with moneys, I kept my Horse, nay my Whore too; this I made use of for what she was, the other for what she had. So seemingly happy was the present state of my life, that I deem’d it impossibly unalterable by any decree of fate.