8. But especially when I thought of myself that I must quickly come to judgment.
CHRIS. And could you at any time with ease get off the guilt of sin, when by any of these ways it came upon you?
HOPE. No, not I; for then they got faster hold of my conscience; and then, if I did but think of going back to sin (though my mind was turned against it,) it would be double torment to me.
HOPE. I thought I must endeavor to mend my life; for else, thought I, I am sure to be lost forever.
HOPE. Yes, and fled from not only my sins, but sinful company too, and betook me to religious duties, as praying, reading, weeping for sin, speaking truth to my neighbors, etc. These things did I, with many others, too much here to tell.
CHRIS. And did you think yourself well then?
HOPE. Yes, for a while; but, at the last, my trouble came tumbling upon me again, and that over the neck of all my trying to do right.
CHRIS. How came that about, since you were now doing right, as far as you knew?
HOPE. There were several things brought it upon me; especially such sayings as these: "All our righteousness are as filthy rags;" "By the works of the law shall no flesh be made righteous;" "When ye shall have done all those things which are commanded you, say, We are unprofitable;" with many more such like. From whence I began to reason with myself thus: If all my righteousness are filthy rags, if by the deeds of the law no man can be made righteous, and if, when we have done _all_, we are yet unprofitable, then it is but a folly to think of heaven by the law. I further thought thus; If a man runs a hundred pounds into the shopkeeper's debt, and after that shall pay for all that he shall buy; yet his old debt stands still in the book uncrossed; for the which the shopkeeper may sue him, and cast him into prison till he shall pay the debt.
CHRIS. Well, and how did you apply this to yourself?
HOPE. Why, I thought thus with myself: I have by my sins run a great way into God's book, and my now reforming will not pay off that score. Therefore I should think still, under all my present trying. But how shall I be freed from that punishment that I have brought myself in danger of by my former sins.
CHRIS. A very good application; but pray go on.