Dear Sir or Madam,
It is your custom to receive my plays with the most
generous and unrestrained applause. You sometimes compel the performers to pause at the end of every line until your laughter has quieted down. I am not ungrateful; but may I ask you a few questions?
Are you aware that you would get out of the Theatre
half an hour earlier if you listened to the play in silence
and did not applaud until the fall of the curtain?
Do you really consider that a performance is improved
by continual interruptions, however complimentary they
may be to the actors and the author?
Do you not think that the naturalness of the
representation must be destroyed, and therefore your own pleasure
greatly diminished, when the audience insists on taking
part in it by shouts of applause and laughter, and the actors
have repeatedly to stop acting until the noise is over.
Have you considered that in all good plays tears and
laughter lie very close together, and that it must be very
distressing to an actress who is trying to keep her imagination
fixed on pathetic emotions to hear bursts of laughter
breaking out at something she is supposed to be unconscious
of?
Do you know that even when there is no such conflict
of comic and tragic on the stage, the strain of performing is
greatly increased if the performers have to attend to the
audience as well as to their parts at the same time?
Can you not imagine how a play which has been rehearsed
to perfection in dead silence without an audience
must be upset, disjointed, and spun out to a wearisome
length by an audience which refuses to enjoy it silently?
Have you noticed that if you laugh loudly and
repeatedly for two hours, you get tired and cross, and are
sorry next morning that you did not stay at home?
Will you think me very ungrateful and unkind if I tell
you that though you cannot possibly applaud my plays too
much at each fall of the curtain to please me, yet the more
applause there is during the performance the angrier I feel
with you for spoiling your enjoyment and my own?
Would you dream of stopping the performance of a
piece of music to applaud every bar that happened to please
you? and do you not know that an act of a play is intended, just like a piece of music, to be heard without interruption from beginning to end?
Have you ever told your sons and daughters that little
children should be seen and not heard? And have you ever
thought how nice theatrical performances would be, and
how much sooner you would get away to supper, if parents
in the theatre would follow the precepts they give to their
children at home?
Have you noticed that people look very nice when they
smile or look pleased, but look shockingly ugly when they
roar with laughter or shout excitedly or sob loudly? Smiles make no noise.
Do you know that what pleases actors and authors most
is not your applauding them but your coming to see the
play again and again, and that if you tire yourselves out
and spoil the play with interruptions you are very unlikely
to come again?
Do you know that my plays, as rehearsed, are just the
right length: that is, quite as long as you can bear; and
that if you delay the performances by loud laughter you
will make them half an hour too long?
Can I persuade you to let the performance proceed in
perfect silence just this once to see how you like it. The
intervals will give you no less than five opportunities of
expressing your approval or disapproval, as the case may
be.
And finally, will you believe me to be acting sincerely
in your own interests in this matter as
your faithful servant,
THE AUTHOR. New Year, 1913