"Ain't we a LITTLE the smartest people on the face of the earth? and if any country _could_ grow decent babies, wouldn't it be _America_? Yes, SIR! but I tell you, it's my solemn conviction that they are nothing more nor less than a '_well-spring_' of _botheration_, wherever they are raised. Don't _I_ know? Didn't that shapeless, flimsy, flappy little nuisance I allude to, rule the house from garret to cellar before it was a month old? Wasn't it entirely at _its_ option, whether the mother dined at 2 o'clock at noon, or 2 at night? In fact, whether she dined at all? Didn't the little wretch keep its lack-lustre eyes fixed on her, and the minute she turned her back upon it and moved towards the door, contrive to poke one eye half out with its fist, or get its toes twisted into a knot, or some such infantile stratagem to attract attention? Didn't it know, by _instinct_, whenever she had an invitation to ride, or walk, or visit? and get up a fit of sham distress to knock it all in the head? Didn't she throw away dozens of pairs of good shoes because they creaked? Did she _ever_ know what she was to be allowed to do the next minute?
"'_Well-spring of pleasure!_' Ha! ha! Ask her husband, Tom! Didn't he have to emigrate up two flights of stairs because it screeched so incessantly nights, that it unfitted him for business next day? He's _very_ fond of babies; HE is!
"Well, Mr. Tupper, we won't mention creeping time--when skeins of yarn, and pins, and darning needles are swallowed, with a horrifying ravenousness suggestive of a 'stomach pump;' or its first essays at walking, when it navigates the carpet like a sailor fresh from 'board ship;' raising bumps never marked down on any phrenological chart! or clutching at the corner of the tablecloth, dragging off inkstands, vases, annuals, and '_Proverbial Philosophys_,' with an edifying promiscuousness! Then, making for the open door, and taking a 'flying leap' down two pairs of stairs, to the astonishment of John, Betty and Sally!
"Now, Mr. Martin Farquhar Tupper, 'philosophize' as beautifully as _only you know how_, but _take an American woman's advice_, and don't mention babies! unless you'll sketch from _life_ as _I_ do! You needn't stand up for _English babies_; they're _all alike_, from Queen Victoria's DOWN to Mike O'Flaherty's, or UP to American babies!