Produced by ellinora,, Barry Abrahamsen, and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net (This file was produced from images generously made available by The Internet Archive/American Libraries.)
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Author of “Love Sonnets of an Office Boy,” “Ballads of the Busy Days,” etc.
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Copyright, 1904 BY THE SATURDAY EVENING POST
Colonial Press: Electrotyped and Printed by C. H. Simonds & Co., Boston, U. S. A.
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GEE! There’s a call from seven-forty-eight— That’s Miss Le Claire; she wants some ice, I’ll bet; She stars in “Mrs. Middleton’s Regret.” And when you mention peaches—say, she’s great! If I could marry her I guess I’d hate To have to do it—nit! I’d go and get A plug hat and a fur-trimmed coat and let The guy that’s managin’ her, pay the freight.
They say she gets a hundred dollars per; I’d like to draw that much a year or two. They’d know I’d been around when I got through. I wish the dude that comes here after her Was in my place and me in his—I’d stir Things up around this town. I wouldn’t do A thing but buy her everything I knew She didn’t have but might be wishin’ fer.
She rung fer me to get some stamps, and when I took them up she says, “Just wait a bit.” She put one on a note and handed it To me to mail—and he come in just then And grabbed the thing—I’ve heard of crazy men, And I know when it’s up to me to quit: She had him goin’ groggy when I lit, But, blame the luck, they’ve made it up again.
IF I could have my choice I wouldn’t be The main guy of a kingdom—nix fer me. I’d only wish that I could be as great As one of these gay boys from up the State Imagines that we think he is when he Tilts back his hat and lights his cigarette And does the pouter-pigeon act; I’d let Them have their thrones if I could be as grand As these boys think they are when they “run down” On business trips and let their chests expand And act as though they’d come to buy the town.
The minute one of them gets in he shies Around the telegraph girl, makin’ eyes And wantin’ to know what it costs to send Ten words to Saugatuck or Brady’s Bend, Or dictates to the shorthand girl and tries To make her think he’s Mike from Up-the-Crick— It’s easy work to spot these Johnnies quick: They try to mash the chambermaids up-stairs, And buzz the news-stand lady, and I s’pose They think that we all think they’re millionaires— Hello! There that sweet little actress goes.