"Yes, isn't there?" I said enthusiastically. "Now I'm sure _this_ makes up the amount all right."
"Plums are stone fruit," he observed stonily, "and you were allocated one hundredweight of sugar for your _soft_ fruit, I believe?"
One really gets very tired of people who go on harping on the same thing over and over again.
"Soft fruit, of course," said the inspector.
"But they contain stones," I urged. "Nasty little things wot gits into the 'ollers of your teeth somethink cruel, as cook says. Really, the Government ought to give us more careful instructions. And what about the apples? Are pips stones?"
"Apples are not used for jam-making," he retorted.
"What!" I exclaimed. "Tell that to the--to the Army in general! Plum-and-apple jam, my dear Sir! And that reminds me: a jam composed of half stone and half soft fruit--how do we stand in respect to that?"
"Well, Sir," said the inspector, closing his notebook grudgingly, "I don't think we need go into that. I think you've got just about the requisite amount of soft fruit for the one hundredweight of sugar which, I believe, you were allocated."
"There's still the rose garden," I said, "if you're not satisfied."
"Been turning that into an orchard, have you?" he asked. "Very patriotic, I'm sure."
"Well, I don't know," I said. "My wife wants to make _pot-pourri_ as usual, but what I say is, in these days--and with all that sugar--it would surely be more patriotic (as you say) to make _fleurs de Nice._"
"It would be more patriotic perhaps," observed Lord RHONDDA'S minion sententiously, "not to make jam at all."
"Ah!" I said. "Have a glass of beer before you go."
_Chorus_. "HERE SHALL HE SEE NO ENEMY BUT WINTER AND ROUGH WEATHER."]
[Illustration: _Taxi-driver (who has forced lady-driver on to the pavement)._ "NOW, THEN, IF YOU WANT TO LOOK IN THE SHOP WINDOWS WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A DAY OFF?"]
Headline in _The Yorkshire Daily Observer_:--
No doubt there were quite as many as that, but we should like to know how our contemporary arrives at the exact number.
1. A Staff Officer came back from the line without having had a narrow escape.
2. A General visited the line and expressed unqualified approval of everything he saw.
3. A Quartermaster-Sergeant put _all_ the contents of the rum-jar into the tea.