Grisha told me that no matter how much the peasants worked for the monastery, their indebtedness grew continually. I thought of myself: "Here I have already spent a long time and what has my soul profited? I have received only wounds and sores. How has my intelligence been enriched? Only by the knowledge of all kinds of baseness and of loathing for man."
Around me was silence. Even the sound of the bells, by which I could have measured time, did not reach me, and there was neither day nor night for me. Who dared to take away the sun from man?
The rank darkness oppressed me, and my soul was consumed by it. There was nothing left to light my path. The faith which was dear to my heart, the justice and omniscience of God, sank and melted away.
But like a bright star the face of Father Anthony flashed before me, and all my thoughts and feelings circled around it like a moth around a flame. I conversed with him, and complained to him, and asked him questions, and saw his two caressing eyes in the darkness.
I paid dearly for those three days and I went out of the hole blinded, my head feeling as if it were not my own, and my knees trembling. The monks laughed at me.
"What," they said, "you took a good soul-bath, eh?"
At night the Abbot called me, made me kneel before him, and gave me a long lecture.
"It is written that I shall crush the teeth of the sinner and bend his back in the yoke."
I was silent and controlled my heart. The peacemaker, Father Anthony, stood before me, and stilled my evil mouth with his affectionate look. Suddenly the Abbot softened.
"We value you, you fool," he said. "We think of you. We have noticed your zeal in work and wish to reward your intelligence. I even place before you a choice of two duties. Do you want to work in the office, or do you want to be a lay brother to Father Anthony?"
I felt as if I had been revived with warm water. I was stifled with joy and could hardly speak:
He frowned, became thoughtful, and looked at me curiously.
"If you go to the office," he said, "I will take away the stump digging; but if you go as a lay brother, I will increase the work in the woods."
"Why, you fool! The work is easier in the office, and more respectable."
I insisted. He bowed his head and thought a while.