CAN'T say I was frightened, but I felt chill, and my heart thumped when I saw the table, with its rubber sheet—the basins, in which I caught the gleam of steel—and the neat array of linen and knives. The room was long and bare, flooded with a blue-white light, and smelled faintly—a sickening, sweetish smell that permeated everything.
1 had elected to come to the table, rather than to be brought unconscious. I wanted to cling to my ego as long as possible—to be a man to the last—for I realized that with an operation for appendicitis there comes always the great question of life and death. My twin brother, Fred, was waiting in the outer room. He alone of all the family knew my condition and the step I was about to take. Why worry the rest, and give them the anxiety of waiting for the news? I was in good hands. Dr. Jerrold was my classmate and devoted to me. I thought of all this dimly, as I lay myself out with the help of my old chum and his assistant. A black-eyed nurse flitted in and out, bringing things. The light blazed into my eyes, and the pain in my right groin was hot and torturing. I saw Dr. Jerrold raise a muzzle-like apparatus, and pour something into it—the smell of ether filled the room. I shivered a little. Another doctor entered and was greeted cheerfully.
“All ready?” he asked.
The muzzle descended gently over my face. I gagged and gasped. A cold wave swept over me.
“Breathe in,” said the voice of the assistant, immeasurably above me.
Instantly a small, powerful voice at my ear repeated rapidly: “Breathe in—breathe in—breathe in—breathe in!”
There came an explosion of light above my eyes. I gasped again, while the big voice boomed, far, far distant: “Breathe in!” And the little one at my ear took it up once more: “Breathe in—breathe in—breathe in—breathe in—n—n—!”
I began to move with excessive velocity through an atmosphere of no resistance, supported by the voice. I was a flaming meteor! I flew through space without end—masses of white star-dust wheeling beside me. The air was cold and buoyant—that other ether that dwells between the worlds. On and on we were hurled furiously! The roar of comets in their course, and the whirr of planets in their orbits becoming confused with the insistent voice that bade me breathe. I knew that if I did not obey I should fall—fall for ever; so I filled my lungs to bursting, and, as I inhaled, was impelled onward with new force.
We approached a mass of light that grew steadily. The sun! I thought. We should be attracted into it, of course, and perish! The light was too cold for the burning sun; it was white—chill white. Then I heard distantly the sound of voices—and the centre of the glare became a gigantic question mark that stretched across the heavens.
I began to slow up and to swing from side to side, like a ship at sea. The voice was gone. A deadly illness grew upon me—and the question mark became the back of a white enamelled chair. Then there was a period of pain and nausea, but a cool hand soothed my brow. I was held firmly but gently, or I should have rolled about in spite of my weakness. I began to think again—I remembered that I had been operated upon.
“Is it over?” I asked, amazed; for it seemed but a moment ago that I saw the last of the bare, white room.
“Yes,” said the nurse. “Don't talk!”
I saw she had blue eyes. A strange man came in, spoke to her and looked at me. “Getting on nicely,” he said. Then some remarks were exchanged about temperature and pulse.
I was slowly assorting the fragments of my consciousness. I had a pain in the old place, but of a new kind. I felt bandages and dressings. My poor racked body seemed to be trying to tell me the terrible ordeal it had been through—“when you were away”—it spoke through every miserable nerve and relaxed muscle, as if saying: “Yes, we were always conscious—we knew. It was terrible—where did you go?” and my ego, in turn, tried to explain. I looked at my hand on the counterpane. It was changed; so small and thin. I glanced at the room. Evidently they had decided it would be best not to put me in the one I had chosen. This was probably the retreat of the doctor's wife—it was filled with womanly trifles, though all superfluous furniture had been removed. The nurse sat by me, bathing my head from time to time, and, as the sickening taste in my mouth increased, she gave me a bit of ice to cool my tongue—only a bit, but such a relief.
A twinge of agony bit at my side. “Hell!” I ejaculated. The nurse looked startled. She held my hand a moment, then took my temperature with a tiny glass thermometer she put under my tongue—nodded her head, and moved away.