[Illustration: _Lady_. "WELL, MRS. GUBBINS, WHAT IS THE WEATHER GOING TO BE TO-DAY?"
_Charwoman_. "OH, I DON'T KNOW, MUM. I'M NOT MUCH OF A WEATHERCOCK."]
"Wanted, a Blue Bull (Nilgai or Rojh). Apply, stating sex, age, height and price."--_Pioneer_.
"On the eastern bank of the Mouse desperate fishing continues."--_Edinburgh Evening Paper_.
And the Bosch has caught more than he bargained for.
From the report of the meeting, in London, of the Executive Committee of the National Farmers' Union:--
"Farmers had hundreds of acres of grass which they were willing to turn into meat, but were prevented from doing so."
Mr. Punch thinks that the difficulty might be overcome if the meat were turned into the grass.
Command Headquarters (who, of course, Ride us as Cockneys ride a horse-- I mean, without considering The animal; the ride's the thing) On Army Form--I cannot think Precisely which; the form was pink-- Instructed Captain So-and-so, With certain other ranks, to go And at a given hour report, With rifles, such-and-such a sort, So many rounds of S.A.A. Per man, and so much oats and hay Per horse (as specified and charged On War Establishments, enlarged, Revised and issued as amended); And here the said instruction ended, "Signed, Eustace Blank, G.S.O.3, For D.A.Q.A.M.A.G." The reason why the form was thus Truncated was--alas for us!-- That Major Blank, a hasty man, Neglected his accustomed plan And failed, in short, to P.T.O., So never told us where to go.
We drafted a polite reply:-- "Your such a number, Fourth July; Instructions touching destination Requested, please, for information." And Captain So-and-So and men Donned and inspected kits. And then Command Headquarters went and wired: "The draft in question not required. When any draft is _wanted_ you Will hear _precisely_ what to do; No error ever passes through This office. You will therefore not In future tell US what is what; WE know; and WE are on the spot. The G.O.C.-in-C. is much Displeased." The old Headquarters' touch.
"Cottage, suitable for pigs and poultry."--_Birmingham Daily Mail_.
"SUSAN'S PUDDING.--This is a super-excellent pudding, and, as times go, the cost of the material used is not excessive. Required: One cup each of flour, breadcrumbs, raisins (stoned and chopped), currants (washed and dried), also a teacupful of baking powder.... If served only on occasion--a special occasion--the most scrupulously careful housewife should not be troubled by uneasy sensations."--_Bristol Times and Mirror_.