No sooner was I enter’d into _Oxfordshire_, but I was in as longing a Condition, as the big-bellied Woman was for a bite of a Butcher’s Arm, to see the most famous University of _Oxford_; thinking that in that Academy and Nursery of Learning, I should see Piety, and Virtue, climb up to the very Apex of Glory; but too soon were my Hopes frustrated, for instead of Religion and good Manners, I beheld nothing but Irreligion and Prophaneness; for the Scholars were so far from being religious, that they were asham’d of nothing so much as that any should have the Charity to think them so. They seem’d to cry out upon _Eve_, for a lazy and dull Sinner; whilst in every Oath they loudly swore, that Soul not worth damning, that could not sin without a Temptation. By their horrible and hideous Oaths they shew’d, as if indeed they had this desperate Design upon Almighty God, to render his sacred Name odious to the World, by taking it often in their profane Mouths. Their chief Delight was to dwell upon the sore Place of an obscene Poem; at the same Time never commending the Poet, but for his Infirmities. Those Sparks call’d Gentlemen Commoners, were so fantastical and prodigal, that they walk’d as if they went in a Frame; next as if both Head and every Member of them turn’d upon Hinges. Every Step they took, presented me with a perfect Puppet-Play; and _Rome_ itself could not in an Age have shew’d more Anticks, than one of these Blades was able to imitate in half an Hour. Here those who have Money enough allow’d them by their Friends, learn first of all to make Choice of their boon Companions, how to rail at the Statutes, and break all good Orders; how to wear a gaudy Suit, and a torn Gown; to curse their Tutors by the Name of _Baal_’s Priests, and to sell more Books in half an Hour, than they had bought them in a Year; to forget the second Year what, perhaps for want of Acquaintance with the Vices of the Place, they were forc’d for a Pass-Time to learn in the first, and then they think they have Learning enough for them and their Heirs for ever.
Thought I to my self, if this is _Oxford_, the Devil take the Collegians and Citizens too, for there was never Barrel the better Herring betwixt either of ’em; one was full as bad as the other, so I e’en made the best of my Way into _Buckinghamshire_, where, at _Eaton_ College, finding the Scholars to have more Guts than Brains, and less Learning and good Manners than either of the two, _Utrum horum mavis accipe_, as you may see in _Syntaxis_. I rambl’d through _Oxfordshire_, again into _Worcestershire_, where I observ’d nothing material, but poor Skeletons of Men and Women, knitting Mittins and Stockings; and Children, both Boys and Girls, smoaking Tobacco, in Pipes as black as their Faces, and about an Inch in Length, for a Breakfast. Hence I went into _Herefordshire_, where I thought myself under the same Punishment, as _Tantalus_ was when in Hell, for the Hedge-Rows all along the Roads, being full of Apple-Trees, the Apples would bob at my Mouth, but I could not catch ’em, which I think was tantalizing me with a Vengeance.