"Never mind any 'buts.' You listen to what I say. Keep the train boys away from me. Dust me off whenever I want you to. Give me an extra blanket, and if there is any one in the berth over me slide him into another. I want you to--"
"Young man, when I'm giving instructions I prefer to do the talking myself. You do as I say. Here is a two-dollar bill. I want to get the good of it. Not a word, sir."
The train was starting. The porter pocketed the bill with a grin and swung himself to the ground. "All right, boss!" he shouted. "You can do the talking if you want to. I'm powerful sorry you wouldn't let me tell you--but I ain't going out on that train."
A man went to an insurance office to have his life insured the other day.
"Do you cycle?" the insurance agent asked.
"No, no," said the applicant, laughing; "I have no dangerous--"
"Sorry, sir," he said, "but we no longer insure pedestrians."
"And what," asked a visitor to the North Dakota State Fair, "do you call that kind of cucumber?"
"That," replied a Fargo politician, "is the Insurgent cucumber. It doesn't always agree with a party."
"Haven't your opinions on this subject undergone a change?"
"But your views, as you expressed them some time ago?"
"Those were not my views. Those were my interviews."
"Recently," says a Richmond man, "I received an invitation to the marriage of a young colored couple formerly in my employ. I am quite sure that all persons similarly favored were left in little doubt as to the attitude of the couple. The invitation ran as follows:
"You are invited to the marriage of Mr. Henry Clay Barker and Miss Josephine Mortimer Dixon at the house of the bride's mother. All who cannot come may send."--_Howard Morse_.
One day a Chinese poor man met the head of his family in the street.
"Come and dine with us tonight," the mandarin said graciously.
"Thank you," said the poor relation. "But wouldn't tomorrow night do just as well?"
"Yes, certainly. But where are you dining tonight?" asked the mandarin curiously.
"At your house. You see, your estimable wife was good enough to give me tonight's invitation."
MARION (just from the telephone)--"He wanted to know if we would go to the theater with him, and I said we would."
Little Willie wanted a birthday party, to which his mother consented, provided he ask his little friend Tommy. The boys had had trouble, but, rather than not have the party, Willie promised his mother to invite Tommy.