Our glasses were empty, and the fair was filling; so we took the hint and our hats, and were soon among the lions.
An Ancient Pistol-looking scarecrow with a cockaded something, between an old cocked hat, and an old hat cocked, on his shaggy pole; a black patch over one eye; a sham lame left leg; half a pair of half boots, and a jacket without sleeves, brandishing harlequin's wooden sword, and belabouring a cracked drum, beat up for recruits, and thus accompanied his tattoo.
"Well, I never see such a low, frothy, horrid, awful, dandified, grandified, twistified, mystified, play-going, pleasure-taking, public-house set as these rubbishing Scaramouches! It would be quite a charity to send'em all to the Treadmill, or there's no mystery in mousetraps!"
"That little woman's tender mercies are cruel!" responded a voice behind, and leading captive a personage, who seemed to to wonder how the devil he got there!--a fierce, fidgety flounced madam, bounced past us with an air of inconceivable grandeur. It was Mrs. Flumgarten hooked on to the arm of Brummagem Brutus.
A sudden rush, from a "conveyancer" being escorted to the _Pied Poudre_, * brought us to that ancient seat of justice.
* Held at the Hand and Shears, the corner of Middle Street and King Street, Cloth Fair. The Pied Poudre was originally instituted to determine disputes regarding debts and contracts, when the churchyard of the ancient Priory contained the booths and standings of the Drapers and Clothiers. The beadle of Cloth Fair received the annual fee of 3s. and 4d. for measuring the yard-sticks. The officers of the Pied Poudre are two Serjeants at Maee for the Lord Mayor, two for the Poultry, and two for Giltspur Street Compters, and a constable appointed by the steward of Lord Kensington, to attend the court in his behalf. There was formerly an Associate, (the Common Serjeant, or one of the attorneys of the Lord Mayor's Sheriffs' Court,) but this officer has not attended for the last hundred and fifty years.
Some minor cases having been disposed of, Counsellor Rumtum rose, put on his green spectacles and "twelve children phisiognomy," (a most imposing gravity!) and opened his pleadings
"Gentlemen of the Jury, the plaintiff is Miss Andromache the Goddess of Wisdom, commonly called Minerva; the defendant is Mr. Andrew Macky, Merry Andrew and Bearward, who boasts the largest menagerie of well-educated monkeys in the fair. The plaintiff seeks to recover damages for an assault, perpetrated by the defendant's servant Jamboa, a belligerent baboon with a blue face. The Goddess had been stationed, like the Palladium of Troy, in a temple adjoining the defendant's caravan. The watchful cock was perched on her helmet, a waving plume descended to her heels, a magnificent breast-plate and royal robe adorned her imperial person, and armed with a spear and a shield, she presented all the fascinations which the ancients have attributed to Pallas. It is not in evidence, whether Miss Andromache had been transported by heroes like Diomedes and Ulysses; but it may be presumed that curiosity induced her to descend from her own palace to take a peep at Andrew Macky's menagerie. The Goddess was charmed with the intelligent visage and tall stately figure of the wild man of the woods, who sat quietly in a corner, leaning on his staff; and being desirous of ascertaining his exact altitude, (Wisdom, Gentlemen of the Jury, is ever on the lookout for new discoveries,) she roused him from his reverie, by propelling the sharp point of her spear to Jamboa's dextral hip-joint, to make him jump. Starting up furiously, he struck her immortal Ægis to the ground, inflicted with his grinders terrible havoc on her gorgeous trappings, smashed ferociously her invincible breast-plate; and imprinted on her royal person evident proofs of the piquant condition of his nails. For this assault and battery Andromache claims of Andrew Macky ample and liberal compensation; which, Gentlemen of the Jury, (here Counsellor Rumtum, tried the "soft sawder!") with your wonted gallantry, you will doubtless award her."