“Well, I should say not. Why, I can’t even pay my own little bills.”
“Every time I take a drink of whiskey it goes to my head.”
“Sure; it wants to get where it won’t be crowded.”
“Yes. All I lack is your brains to be a perfect donkey.”
“Does your wife ever send for you if you happen to stay out late?”
“No, she waits until I get home, then she goes for me.”
“The discipline in the navy is very strict, isn’t it?”
“So strict that they even dock a vessel that can’t keep up with the rest.”
I heard your father was a prominent figure in Wall Street and made lots of dust.
“Do you think there is much difference between this world and the next?”
“Yes, there’s a hell of a difference for some.”
“Have you received last month’s gas bill, dear?”
“Well, what’s the charge of the light brigade?”
“So had we; so short it didn’t go round!”
“Pa, did you know ma long before you married her?”
“No, my boy, I didn’t know her until long after I married her!”
Anybody can lead a horse to a drinking place, but nobody can force him to drink. How different it is with men!
_Riggs_--“Where did you get that black eye?”
_Jiggs_--“Told the conductor I was travelling on my face, and he punched the ticket.”
_Ethics Prof._--What becomes of a drinker when he dies?
_S. S._--Why, since his “spirit” is gone, he gets a “bier.”
_Jill_--Well, the way I bet generally is.
“Phwy don’t ye advertise, mum, an’ no questions asked?”
“Ye moight foind it, mum. Me lasht misthress did, an’ Oi got the reward.”
A farmer’s wagon loaded with butter broke down. It stuck fast in a mud hole and the horse couldn’t start it. “It’s no use, Mister,” said a small boy. “Your old horse ain’t strong enough. Take him out an’ hitch in a roll of yer butter.”
“Why did Brother Dick shoot that poor crow?”
“I think, my dear girl, it was because the crow gave him caws.”
_Jill_--Oh, I don’t know, I think he’s very good at it.
“And if I didn’t move right away, he’d make me jump.”
“You say his wife’s a brunette? I thought he married a blonde.”
“The trouble with you,” the doctor said, after examining the young man, “seems to be that something is the matter with your heart.”
“Yes. To give it a name, it is angina pectoris.”
“You’ll have to guess again, doctor,” said the young man. “That isn’t her name at all.”