"On musical grounds. After singing 'My Country, 'Tis of Thee,' all these years, I don't want the mental effort of changing to 'Our Countries, Tis of Those.'"
FOR SALE--"League of Nations." Several pages missing; binding gone in spots. Damaged by fire and water. Valuable historical document. Author now unknown. As is.
Ah, me! why should I marry me? Lovers are plenty, but fortunes are few Why lose wages that carry me Better by far than a husband could do? Fond youth, calmly I'm viewing you, Steeling a heart that might flutter and throb: I've no thought of pursuing you; Poverty's stupid--I'll stick to my job.
Pat, who was left-handed, was being sworn in as a witness in the West Side Court of Denver, Colo.
"Hold up your right hand," said the judge. Up went Pat's left hand.
"Hold up your right hand," commanded the judge, sternly.
"Sure and I am, yer honor," declared Pat. "Me right hand's on me left-hand side."
"Have you made any resolutions or turned over a new leaf or anything like that?"
"No," replied the man with the serene smile. "No need of them. If I have any lingering vices I feel that I need only wait for somebody to introduce legislation that will make them impossible."
"Do you think we are happier for the conveniences of telegraph and telephone?"
"Not always," replied Senator Sorghum. "It would be a great comfort to be able to make a speech that exactly agrees with your audience without its being placed immediately before people all over the country who may not feel the same way about it."
"Well, I'll ask for a commission to investigate as to why there are no jobs and you can get a job on that."
THE MOTHER--"It's the spare time a woman has in which she can do some other kind of work, dearie."
The teacher was telling her class a long, highly embellished story of Santa Claus, and the mirth of Willie Jones eventually got entirely beyond his control.
"Willie," said the teacher sternly, "what did I whip you for yesterday?"
"Fer lyin'," promptly answered Willie; "an' I was jest wonderin' who was goin' to whip you."
He who tells a lie is not sensible how great a task he undertakes, for he must be forced to invent twenty more to maintain one.--_Pope_.
A Boston minister once noticed a crowd of urchins clustered around a dog of doubtful pedigree.