“This is L——. He is not a bad sort of chap. Don’t shoot him; torture him slowly to death.”
When certain soldiers from the antipodes were in New York a little while ago, a woman was heard to say to another:
“You can tell by the Kangaroo feathers in his hat.”
“This can’t be hell—there are no Germans here.”
“Yes, it is; but the regular people put up such a kick, we built an annex for them.”—_Life._
A private of a well-known regiment, who was always wanting leave on some excuse or other, applied at the orderly room and asked his commanding officer if he might have a few days’ leave, as his wife was ill and had sent him a letter asking him to come at once.
But his commanding officer, getting tired of his always wanting leave, said: “This is strange, Private Cheek, as only this morning I received a letter from your wife, saying she did not want you to see her any more, so hoped I would not grant you leave.”
Private Cheek—“Then I suppose I can’t have leave, sir?”
Private Cheek (turns as he gets to the door)—“Sir, may I compliment you?”
Commanding Officer—“Yes, certainly; on what?”
Private Cheek—“In having two such lovely liars in the regiment, because I’m not married at all.”
Queen Mary sent a beautiful bouquet that had been presented to her to a soldiers’ hospital. To show their appreciation, the inmates commissioned one of their number to stand at the hospital gate the following morning, holding the gift, when the queen passed. He did so—with rather unexpected results. Queen Mary, seated in her car, saw the soldier standing there, bouquet in hand, and assuming that he wished to present it to her, she reached out and took it. After she had thanked him, her car passed on.
The soldier stood quite dumfounded—then recovering his speech, he said: “Well, she’s pinched ’em.”
War Correspondent in France—“My editor seems very disappointed; what news can I send to cheer him up?”
Soldier—“Write and tell him you’ve been killed in action.”
Ensign Paul Perez, formerly well known to the screen, is back from another trip to Europe with a brand new seasick story. An amateur navigator making his first trip across is the victim and the first day out he was in the throes of the mal-est mal de mer extant when the ship surgeon visited him in his stateroom.