"Naturally enough," replied Brown. "One is descended from Ham and the other from eggs."
"So you have adopted a baby to raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well, it may turn out all right, but don't you think you are taking chances?"
"Not a chance," he answers. "No matter how many bad habits the child may develop, my wife can't say he inherits any of them from my side of the house."
THE PASSER-BY--"You took a great risk in rescuing that boy; you deserve a Carnegie medal. What prompted you to do it?"
THE HERO--"He had my skates on!"--_Puck_.
MR. HENPECK--"Are you the man who gave my wife a lot of impudence?"
Each man is a hero and an oracle to somebody.--_Emerson_.HIGH COST OF LIVING
Little James, while at a neighbor's, was given a piece of bread and butter, and politely said, "Thank you."
"That's right, James," said the lady. "I like to hear little boys say 'thank you.'"
"Well," rejoined James, "If you want to hear me say it again, you might put some jam on it."
Home is a place where you can take off your new shoes and put on your old manners.
Who hath not met with home-made bread, A heavy compound of putty and lead-- And home-made wines that rack the head, And home-made liquors and waters? Home-made pop that will not foam, And home-made dishes that drive one from home-- * * * * * * Home-made by the homely daughters.
"Malachi," said a prospective homesteader to a lawyer, "you know all about this law. Tell me what I am to do."
"Well," said the other, "I don't remember the exact wording of the law, but I can give you the meaning of it. It's this: The government is willin' to bet you one hundred and sixty acres of land against fourteen dollars that you can't live on it five years without starving to death."--_Fenimore Martin_.
"He's an honest young man" said the saloon keeper, with an approving smile. "He sold his vote to pay his whiskey bill."
VISITOR--"And you always did your daring robberies single-handed? Why didn't you have a pal?"
PRISONER--"Well, sir, I wuz afraid he might turn out to be dishonest."
Ex-District Attorney Jerome, at a dinner in New York, told a story about honesty. "There was a man," he said, "who applied for a position in a dry-goods house. His appearance wasn't prepossessing, and references were demanded. After some hesitation, he gave the name of a driver in the firm's employ. This driver, he thought, would vouch for him. A clerk sought out the driver, and asked him if the applicant was honest. 'Honest?' the driver said. 'Why, his honesty's been proved again and again. To my certain knowledge he's been arrested nine times for stealing and every time he was acquitted.'"