"Unionist Agent wanted ... Liberal salary offered."--_Times_.
* * * * * "One must, however, remember that the Turk--and hurl upon him what execrations you may--is still the [text upside down: gentleman of the Near] East."--_Weekly Paper_.
He may be the "gentleman of the Near East," but that has not saved him from being turned down.
[A Standing Committee of the House of Commons has refused to vote £3,800 for a lift and a second bathroom in the proposed official residence of the LORD CHANCELLOR within the precincts of the House of Lords. In a letter to Sir ALFRED MOND Lord BIRKENHEAD wrote: "I am sure both yourself and the Committee will understand that my object in writing is to make it plain that I never asked anyone to provide me with a residence, and that I am both able and willing, in a house of my own, to provide my family and myself with such bathroom and other accommodation as may be reasonably necessary."]
I did not ask for it; I never yearned Within the Royal Court to board and bed; Like all the other honours I have earned, I had this greatness thrust upon my head; But if the Precincts are to be my lair Then for my comfort Ministers must cater; I want a second bath inserted there, Also an elevator.
Daily fatigued by those official cares Which my exalted dignity assumes, I could not ask my feet to climb the stairs Which link that mansion's three-and-thirty rooms; And, if the Law must have so clean a fame That none can point to where a speck of dust is, A single bathroom cannot meet the claim Of equitable Justice.
My wants are modest, you will please remark; I crave no vintage of the Champagne zone, No stalled chargers neighing for the Park, No 9·5 cigars (I have my own); I do not ask, who am the flower of thrift, For Orient-rugs or "Persian apparatus"; Nothing is lacking save a bath and lift To fill my soul's hiatus.
And, should my plea for reasonable perks (Barely four thousand pounds) be flatly quashed; Should kind Sir ALF, Commissioner of Works, Be forced to leave me liftless and half-washed; Then for these homely needs of which I speak, Content with my old pittance from the nation, In Grosvenor Square (or Berkeley) I will seek Private accommodation.
College head-porters as a class assuredly rank amongst the dignified things of the earth. One may admire the martial splendour of a Brigadier-General, and it is not to be denied that Rear-Admirals have a certain something about them which excites both awe and delight, but they are never quite the same thing as a college head-porter. There may be weak spots in the profession, and indeed in one or two of the less self-respecting colleges the head-porters scarcely rise above the level of the Dons; but these are distinctly exceptional. As a class they stand, as I said, amongst the dignified things of life.