Often since that time have I asked myself, “What was it that I so loved?” If it had been the love of the heavenly Bridegroom, that seemed as it were to saturate me, would that sister who knelt at my side on this occasion have been permitted in after years to make my life such a misery to me, that I could no longer live a cloistered life? What or who it was I know not; all I know is that whoever or whatever it was, it obtained possession of my first love—the undivided love of my whole being; but that love is gone, and I do not think I could ever love with the same full, pure, and intense love again. That love, fixed on a lover existing only in the imagination, and impressed on my plastic and youthful mind, carried me through a convent experience lasting for seventeen years. And then it vanished. The illusion was dissipated, the _ignis fatuus_ was quenched, and I was left alone in my misery, and it seemed, for a time, that nowhere could I find the loved one for whom everything and every one had been sacrificed; but better for me was this misery than that fool’s paradise.

But I must return to my story, after this digression, which, however, I hope many youthful readers may peruse and take warning from. My companion and I knelt, as I have mentioned; and thus, upon our knees, we waited for the august ceremony attending ever this mock marriage. All heaven seemed to open, and all of earth seemed to be passing away. I recollect that, after many questions had been put to, and responses made by us, and when sweet words, set to sweeter music, had been sung, there reached our ears some such words as these:

Nunnery life in the Church of England; or, Seventeen years with Father Ignatius — Part 16

The Bridegroom would have His bride leave father, mother, houses, lands, and all earthly loves, in order that, as the apostle saith, she may be one spirit with Him. My daughter, canst thou do this?

Nunnery life in the Church of England; or, Seventeen years with Father Ignatius — Part 16

In His strength I leave all, that I may follow Christ.

Nunnery life in the Church of England; or, Seventeen years with Father Ignatius — Part 16

Then the reverend Father uttered these words:

_Beware_, my daughter, before putting thy hand to the golden plough, for _cursed_ shalt thou be if perchance thou lookest back.

I should then be unfit for the kingdom of God,

When any one voweth a vow unto the Lord, he shall do all that proceedeth out of his mouth (Num. xxx. 2);[4]

After which there was sung in sweetest music, three times over: