The first year passed away very happily. I was young; and being small in stature, I was made a pet of, until another young sister came. Then the Mother changed, and she who had so petted me suddenly took a dislike to me; not that she was so very unkind. But how I yearned to be loved! No one seemed to love me, and I loved her, oh, so much! When I went up to her and said, “Mother, dear,” instead of opening her arms, and folding me in them as she used to do, she would turn away with a shudder. Why she did this, I never knew. I could not fail to feel surprise at it, as she had often taught me that “a spiritual father’s, and mother’s, and sister’s love is far greater than that of any earthly parents.” I was sure my mother would never thus turn away from me. Oh, how keenly I felt this coldness! and when I went to bed, I would cry and sob for hours, knowing that no one in that house loved me, and my heart seemed fit to break at such a loveless life. My mother’s smile, her words, and her every look and action, would rise up before me. I remembered my sister and dear little brother, both of whom I so fondly loved, and I would think, “Oh! if it was not wicked of me, I wish I was home”; but I would then blame myself for thinking thus, for I considered it showed unfaithfulness to God to allow such thoughts even for a moment, and I was afraid lest God should take my “holy vocation” from me, and I would also remember how God would have His spouse forsake all other love that she may love Him, and be His alone.
Was there ever a more cruel and bitter mistake? Cruel is the teaching which requires a young girl to separate herself from the dear good mother, whom God has given her, in order that she may, as is falsely said, serve God without hindrance. What folly and delusion is it that takes possession of us, to think that we can get nearer to God, be more pure, more holy in this life, and be brought to greater glory in the next life, by shutting oneself up in a particular house and never going out except to the garden, I cannot fathom!
Listen to the text which brings us up to this unnatural life, or, as we were told, this “supernatural life.” “A garden inclosed is My sister, My spouse; a spring shut up,” etc. Year after year this text bears us up, coupled with the thought that such a life is only a short time in comparison with eternity, when we shall reap the great reward of our life of self-sacrifice. Blinder than the very heathen was I!