“Billy, does your mother give you anything if you take your medicine without crying?” “No; but she gives me something if I don’t.”
“What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, who get up cross in the morning and bang things about because the coffee is cold?” _Wife_: “I would make it hot for you.”
“So you asked old Crusty for his daughter, eh? How did you come out?” “Through the window!”
“I wish you’d pay a little attention to what I say.” “I am, my dear--as little as possible.”
_Emmy_--“I’ve got an invite to the Charity Ball, but not the least idea what I am to go in. What would you wear if you had my complexion?” _Fanny_--“A thick veil.”
I have got a brother that hasn’t slept a night in two months.
He is a night-watchman and sleeps day times.
“Were you moved when the old gentleman said you could never marry his daughter?” “Yes; I was moved half way across the sidewalk.”
“I hear you had some money left you.” “Yes, it left me long ago.”
“What makes that fat boy talk so much?” “Oh! can’t you see he’s got a double chin?”
“What is the height of your ambition, dear?” “Oh, something between five and a half and six feet.”
“How do you make chickens good fighters?”
A man thrown from a horse, the other day, said, as he picked himself up, that he thought he had improved in horsemanship, but, instead had fallen off.
Noah, when he lit a candle, made the first Ark light.
“What did you have at the first saloon you stopped at?” asked a lawyer of a witness in an assault and battery case.
“What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir.”
“I’m up against it,” said the wall-paper.
“Hard luck,” replied the horse-shoe over the door.
“Well, I’ve been walked on lately, too,” remarked the carpet.
“I’ll get some one to look into this,” said the mirror.
“Needn’t,” said the desk, “I haven’t any kick. Everything is all write for mine.”
“Oh, shut up,” shouted the window shutters.
Whereupon the gas became very angry and, after flaring up, got hot under the collar, and saying that he refused to throw any light on the matter, went out.
“So you were only seventeen when you married? Well, you didn’t have to wait long for a husband, did you?”
“Not then, but I do now. He’s at the club five nights a week.”
There was an epidemic of measles at our county jail last summer and all the prisoners “broke out.”