A well-known New York contractor went into the tailor's, donned his new suit, and left his old one for repairs. Then he sought a café and refreshed the inner man; but as he reached in his pocket for the money to settle his check, he realized that he had neglected to transfer both purse and watch when he left his suit. As he hesitated, somewhat embarrassed, he saw a bill on the floor at his feet. Seizing it thankfully, he stepped to the cashier's desk and presented both check and money.
"That was a two dollar bill," he explained when he counted his change.
"I know it," said the cashier, with a toss of her blond head. "I'm dividing with you. I saw it first."
After O'Connell had obtained the acquittal of a horse-stealer, the thief, in the ecstasy of his gratitude, cried out, "Och, counsellor, I've no way here to thank your honor; but I wish't I saw you knocked down in me own parish--wouldn't I bring a faction to the rescue?"
Some people are never satisfied. For example, the prisoner who complained of the literature that the prison angel gave him to read.
"Nutt'n but continued stories," he grumbled. "An I'm to be hung next Tuesday."
It was a very hot day and a picnic had been arranged by the United Society of Lady Vegetarians.
They were comfortably seated, and waiting for the kettle to boil, when, horror of horrors! a savage bull appeared on the scene.
Immediately a wild rush was made for safety, while the raging creature pounded after one lady who, unfortunately, had a red parasol. By great good fortune she nipped over the stile before it could reach her. Then, regaining her breath, she turned round.
"Oh, you ungrateful creature!" she exclaimed. "Here have I been a vegetarian all my life. There's gratitude for you!"
Miss PASSAY--"You have saved my life, young man. How can I repay you? How can I show my gratitude? Are you married?"
YOUNG MAN--"Yes; come and be a cook for us."
One of the stories told by Mr. Spencer Leigh Hughes in his speech in the House of Commons one night tickled everybody. It is the story of the small boy who was watching the Speaker's procession as it wended its way through the lobby. First came the Speaker, and then the chaplain, and next the other officers.