Giving an Account of her Luxurious Adventures, both before and after her Marriage with Lord Crim-Con
PART IV.
I now come to a most important epoch of my life, which at once sealed my matrimonial fate.
We were to leave town the next day, and were taking a morning walk in Kensington Gardens with Lady St. Jerome, when who should suddenly meet Her Ladyship, and demand an introduction to her charming young friends (meaning myself and Alice), but a tall handsome-looking old fellow of thirty, with the most wicked pair of dark eyes I had ever seen.
Lady St. Jerome appeared to have a most sinister smile upon her face, as turning to us she said, "My dears, allow me to present you to the Earl of Crim-Con, the most gallant gentleman of the day, but be careful how you accept his attentions." Then seeing a rather savage look cross his countenance- "Pardon me, my Lord, if in introducing you to Lady Beatrice Pokingham and Miss Alice Marchmont, I caution them to beware of such a dangerous lover; they are under my protection at the moment, and I should fail in my duty if I did not."
The angry flush was but momentary, being instantly replaced by a most agreeable smile, as he replied, "Thanks, thanks, my dear cousin, but your piety always makes you so hard on my little foibles. Will nothing ever make you believe I have honourable intentions; you know how often I have asked you to try and find me a nice little darling wifey-pifey, who would lead me with her little finger, and keep me out of mischief."
"You might have found a good wife long ago, you miserable hypocrite," retorted Her Ladyship, "you know that a certain place is said to be paved with good intentions, and that is where all yours will go to, my Lord, I fear, but I only just cautioned my young innocent friends here."
"Ah, hem, I think I know that warm place you allude to, just between the thighs, is it not my Lady?"
Lady St. Jerome blushed up to her eyes as she exclaimed, in an apparently angry tone, "Now, this is really unbearable, that Your Lordship should at once commence with your obscene innuendoes; my dears, I am so ashamed of having introduced you to such a horrible specimen of modern society."
"A truce, I will really be on my best behaviour, and try not to offend the most delicate ideas again," he said with great seeming earnestness, "but really cousin, I do want to be married and kept out of harm. Now I suppose these two young ladies are eligible parties, do you think either of them would have a worn-out roue like me?"
"Really, my Lord, you are incorrigible to go on so and talk like that before two young ladies at once," expostulated our cicerone.
"Ha, you don't believe me, cousin, but, by God, I am not jesting, you shall see presently, just wait a moment," he said, then taking out his pocket-book, pencilled something on two slips of paper which he held in his hand, with the ends slightly projecting. "Now, cousin, just draw one and see which it is to be."
"Only for the fun of the thing, to see what you mean"; then she pulled one of the slips from his hand, exclaiming with a laugh as she looked at it, "Beatrice, you are to be Lady Crim-Con if you will take such a scapegrace for better or worse."
His Lordship.- "I really mean it, if you will have me dear lady; may I call you Beatrice? What a happy name, especially if you would make me happy."
It is impossible to write how I felt at that moment; I knew that he was rich, with a great title, and despite his bad reputation, that was a most tempting bait to a comparatively portionless girl.
Somehow he took my arm, and Lady St. Jerome, with Alice, walking in front, seemed to go any way but direct home, in order to give His Lordship every facility to urge upon me his sudden courtship. I can't tell you how it happened, but before we reached the house, I had promised to have him, and in less than a month we were married.
I need not trouble about the wedding ceremony, but at once give some account of the first night I had with my spouse. When I first mentioned him, I spoke of an old man of thirty; that is exactly what he was, and although still a handsome fellow, one would have guessed him to be fifty at least.
His youthful vigour had been expended long ago, by constant and enervating debauchery, and now instead of being able to enter the lists of love in a genuine manner, he had a perfect plethora of disgusting leches, which he required to be enacted before he could experience sensual excitement.
Our first night was passed at the Lord Warden Hotel, Dover, as we were on our way for a continental tout.