Never say _sir_ to a bootblack and _old chap_ to a minister of the gospel in the same breath. Exercise tact.
Never say “No, mum” or “Yessum,” in addressing a lady, or “Not much, old hoss,” or “yezzur,” in speaking to a gentleman, even if these chance to be your parents or near relatives. “No, dad,” “Yes, mommy,” “No, granny,” “Yes, nunksy,” and so on, are more affectionate.
Never address a young lady as _Jen._, _Mol._, _Pol._, _Bet._, _Suke._, or by any other abbreviation of her given name. _Miss So-and-so_, or plain _miss_, is in better form.
Never address a young married lady as _old girl_, even if you were intimate with her before her marriage. Her husband may not apprehend your facetiousness.
Never mispronounce. Never say _purtect_ for _protect_, _yer_ for _you_, _tater_ for _potato_, _this ’ere_ for _this here_, _tommytoes_ for _tomatoes, oilent_ for _violent_, _aborgoyne_ for _aborigine_, or _busted_ for _bursted_. “Take her up tenderly, lift her with care.”
Never say _kin_ for _can_, _they’se_ for _they’re_, _feller_ for _fellow_, _gal_ for _girl_, _wuz_ for _was_, _whar_ for _where_, _thar_ for _there_, _har_ for _hair_, _hev_ for _have_, _wull_ for _will_, _cud_ for _could_, nor _wud_ for _would_. Never imagine that ignoramuses only fall into these errors. The greatest scholars in the world have been known to fairly revel in them when suffering from _delirium tremens_, or otherwise off their guard.
Never forget that _duty_ rhymes with _beauty_, not with _booty_, and that _morn_ doesn’t rhyme with _dawn_ at all--poetasters to the contrary notwithstanding. Even a gentleman of the world will not wholly despise the soft demands of rhythm.
Never say _idear_ for _idea_, nor _wahm_ for _warm_. The addition of the _r_ in the one case is as indefensible as its omission in the other.
Never say _pants_ for _trousers_, _vest_ for _waistcoat_, _boiled rag_ for _shirt_, nor _trotter cases_ for _boots_ and _shoes_. As a sole alternative, let your language be choice to fastidiousness.
Never allude to a _cuss_, meaning a _man_. Even _pure cussedness_ for _sheer contrariety_ is becoming the property of the common herd.
Never say “the old woman,” alluding to your wife. Is marriage of necessity the grave of respect?