I COULD not write yesterday, so violent was the agitation of my
mind;-but I will not, now, lose a moment till I have hastened to
my best friend an account of the transactions of a day I can never
recollect without emotion.
Mrs. Selwyn determined upon sending no message, "Lest," said she, "Sir John, fatigued with the very idea of my reproaches, should endeavour to avoid a meeting. He cannot but see who you are, whether he will do you justice or not."
We went early, and in Mrs. Beaumont's chariot; into which Lord Orville, uttering words of the kindest encouragement, handed us both.
My uneasiness, during the ride, was excessive; but, when we stopped at
the door, I was almost senseless with terror! the meeting, at last, was not so dreadful as that moment! I believe I was carried into the house; but I scarce recollect what was done with me: however, I know we remained some time in the parlour before Mrs. Selwyn could send any message up stairs.
When I was somewhat recovered, I intreated her to let me return home, assuring her I felt myself quite unequal to supporting the interview.
"No," said she; "you must stay now: your fears will but gain strength
by delay; and we must not have such a shock as this repeated." Then, turning to the servant, she sent up her name.
An answer was brought, that he was going out in great haste, but
would attend her immediately. I turned so sick, that Mrs. Selwyn was
apprehensive I should have fainted; and, opening a door which led to
an inner apartment, she begged me to wait there till I was somewhat
composed, and till she had prepared for my reception.
Glad of every moment's reprieve, I willingly agreed to the proposal; and Mrs. Selwyn had but just time to shut me in, before her presence was necessary.
The voice of a father -Oh, dear and revered name!-which then, for the
first time, struck my ears, affected me in a manner I cannot describe, though it was only employed in giving orders to a servant as he came down stairs.
Then, entering the parlour, I heard him say, "I am sorry, Madam, I made you wait; but I have an engagement which now calls me away: however, if you have any commands for me, I shall be glad of the honour of your company some other time."
"I am come, Sir," said Mrs. Selwyn, "to introduce your daughter
to you."
"I am infinitely obliged to you," answered he; "but I have just had
the satisfaction of breakfasting with her. Ma'am, your most obedient."
"You refuse, then, to see her?"
"I am much indebted to you, Madam, for this desire of increasing
my family; but you must excuse me if I decline taking advantage of
it. I have already a daughter, to whom I owe everything; and it is
not three days since that I had the pleasure of discovering a son: how
many more sons and daughters may be brought to me, I am yet to learn; but I am already perfectly satisfied with the size of my family."
"Had you a thousand children, Sir John," said Mrs. Selwyn, "this
only one, of which Lady Belmont was the mother, ought to be most
distinguished; and, far from avoiding her sight, you should thank your
stars, in humble gratitude, that there yet remains in your power the
smallest opportunity of doing the injured wife you have destroyed, the poor justice of acknowledging her child!"
"I am very unwilling, Madam," answered he, "to enter into any
discussion of this point; but you are determined to compel me to
speak. There lives not at this time the human being, who should
talk to me of the regret due to the memory of that ill-fated woman; no one can feel it so severely as myself; but let me, nevertheless, assure you, I have already done all that remained in my power to prove the respect she merited from me: her child I have educated, and owned for my lawful heiress: if, madam, you can suggest to me any other means by which I may more fully do her justice, and more clearly manifest her innocence, name them to me; and, though they should wound my character still deeper, I will perform them readily."
"All this sounds vastly well," returned Mrs. Selwyn; "but I must own
it is rather too enigmatical for my faculties of comprehension. You
can, however, have no objection to seeing this young lady."
"None in the world."
"Come forth, then, my dear," cried she, opening the door; "come forth
and see your father!" Then, taking my trembling hand, she led me
forward. I would have withdrawn it and retreated; but, as he advanced
instantly towards me, I found myself already before him.